


cfo_rap.wav

by hatebeat



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-13
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-19 08:32:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/881672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hatebeat/pseuds/hatebeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pickles stumbles upon something totally priceless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	cfo_rap.wav

It was two in the afternoon and Pickles had just made himself a nice jumbo margarita for breakfast. Margarita in hand, he went to the living room to see if any of the guys were around, but it was empty except for a Klokateer who was cleaning or some shit. So, basically it was empty. Well, that was fuckin' boring. Was he the first one awake? They _had_ kind of partied hard last night... 

Without giving it too much thought, he wandered through the halls until he got to Ofdensen's office, where he promptly started banging on the door.

"Yo! Ofdensen! Open the fuck up, man!"

He continued pounding on it relentlessly, but there was no response. 

" _Ofdensen!_ " 

So, he probably wasn't in his office, huh? Because he wouldn't ignore Pickles, right? Of course not! So Pickles tried the handle and found that it was actually unlocked. That was probably dangerous for security or something, right? Pickles didn't really know if Charles regularly locked his office or not. He barged in a few times before and it had been unlocked, but who knew? Pickles would lock his office if he had one. He guessed the only people they'd need to worry about were Klokateers or something, though, and they were pretty damn loyal, like to a creepy extent, actually, so maybe it wasn't an issue.

Anyway, Pickles figured out pretty quickly with a quick glance around the room that Ofdensen wasn't in the office. So Pickles went right over to his desk and sat down in his big, comfy chair, and kicked his feet up on the desk. In the top drawer on the left side, he found Ofdensen's office laptop. Dude never changed, always left this shit in the same place...

He helped himself to one of the cigars that were in the same drawer, and booted up the laptop. When he got to the login screen, he quickly typed in the password: _wearethegears_. 

From there, he could log into the Mordhaus surveillance system. He did that, but then he realise his margarita glass was empty. So, he watched that Klokateer vacuuming on the default monitor of the living room while he rifled around through Ofdensen's drawers. He knew this guy had some brandy hidden away here somewhere. He ended up finding it in a lower drawer, and he helped himself to refilling his margarita glass with it. He paid Ofdensen's fuckin' paycheck, not like the guy couldn't afford to get himself some more brandy!

Well, Pickles might even get him some. It didn't fuckin' matter.

Sipping the brandy, he started to scroll through the security cameras. Most rooms were empty or maybe had a Klokateer or two. He found Murderface in the kitchen wearing just boxer shorts and making a sandwich. He quickly scrolled away because he didn't fucking want to see that, but he couldn't find a sign of anyone else.

Pickles moved to the next layer of cameras, which prompted for another password, but it was no big deal. Pickles quickly typed in _CFOfacebones_ and was granted access to the cameras that monitored their bedrooms.

Years ago, when Ofdensen told them that he was going to have cameras installed in all their rooms, it had been pretty weird. But there were cameras everywhere else in the house, and honestly, Ofdensen had seen them do anything and everything. Ofdensen claimed he didn't actively monitor their rooms, and that they were just for their safety and all, but Pickles didn't give a shit anymore, or even give it a thought. So what if Ofdensen saw him fucking a groupie or jacking off or shooting up or something? It wouldn't be the first or last fuckin' time.

Nathan's bedroom came up first, and sure enough the lazy ass was still asleep, flat on his back. Then after Pickles' own empty room was Skwisgaar's, which showed a girl laying in his bed, asleep, but no Skwisgaar. He tabbed over to the camera that showed Skwisgaar's bathroom and he could see the shower running. Pickles didn't leave that screen until he watched Skwisgaar step out of the shower, but he almost immediately wrapped a towel around his waist, so Pickles moved on. Murderface's room was empty, of course, and then he got to Toki's. Toki was awake and working on something at his desk, but Pickles couldn't tell what it was.

Well, now that his bandmates were all accounted for, Pickles was kind of bored. He poured himself another glass of Ofdensen's brandy, tabbed out of the security system and started to look through Ofdensen's files. This was his work computer and all, right? So anything on here should be fine for Pickles or any other Dethklok member to see, right? They were his job and all, so... yeah. That made sense. No big deal.

There wasn't much that looked particularly interesting. A lot of spreadsheets and shit full of numbers and things that Pickles didn't give a single shit about. He was about to check in on the security cameras again just for shits and giggles when an icon on the corner of the desktop caught his eye. When he clicked it, the media player opened up and started to play a sound file. He was only about 15 seconds in when he pushed pause, emailed that shit to his phone, and slammed the laptop shut, nearly in tears with laughter.

He put the laptop back in the drawer and then sent a text to all of his bandmates.

_GUYS band meeting in the living room nowwwww i'll make it worth your while ;) ;)_

 

\---

 

It took almost an hour for all five of them to get to the living room, and Pickles had had to send Murderface to drag Nathan out of bed. That guy was seriously unpleasant when people woke him up and Pickles was not about to deal with that himself.

He was still laughing to himself, though, once they were all finally sitting around out there. 

"So uh, you guys are all probably wondering why I called you in here."

"Nots really," Skwisgaar said, fingering his fretboard and looking bored. 

"That's too bad, 'cause I got somethin' awesome to show you," Pickles told him.

"Can you _just_ get on with it?" Murderface griped; he was still nursing a bad mood since Nathan yelled at him for waking him up. Which was _exactly_ why Pickles hadn't gone to wake him up.

"Okay, okay, okay. I found this little gem on Ofdensen's computer- check this out."

He pushed play on his phone, which he had plugged into the room's speakers. Everyone was silent for a minute as the beat started to play. 

Nathan grew immediately visibly irritated. "If you woke me up to listen to some hip hop shit, I swear..."

"Shhhh, just listen," Pickles laughed. 

" _♪Uh, that's right. Ha. Ha ha. Ha.♪_ "

Toki was the first one to laugh. "That's... that's _Charles' voice_."

" _♪That's right. Yo. Ooh ah.♪_ "

"Dude, Toki's right. That is definitely Charles," Nathan said, his bad mood seeming to lift immediately.

"I fucking told you guys this was worth it," Pickles smirked.

" _♪Well, I'm the CFO and my name's Charles Ofdensen. I'm walking down the street and I will do it again.♪_ "

"Pfffft, what's he doing?" Skwisgaar asked. "This ams complete dildos."

" _♪I manage Dethklok, I keep the money flowin'. I hire the Klokateers and they keep it all goin'.♪_ "

"Jesus christ, this is pathetic," Murderface said. "He even _raps_ like a robot."

" _♪I have five grown men that I constantly keep safe.♪_ "

"What the hell?" Nathan laughed.

"Keeps us safes, he says!" Toki was clutching his stomach in laugher by this point.

Pickles nearly had tears in his eyes from the laughter, but it wasn't over yet. "Dude, guys, shhh, listen!"

" _♪I deal with bad business, who always tries... to chafe...♪_ "

"To chafes, ha!" Skwisgaar laughed. 

"What in the fuck!"

"So this is what that guy does in his office all day. What are we paying him for, again?"

"Hey, Murderface, shut up," Nathan said. "Pickles, play it again! This is good stuff!"

"As you wish!" Pickles hit play again, and it was somehow even funnier the second time around. The whole band was nearly in hysterics the third time they played it.

"Found, ah, something interesting, did you?" a voice suddenly asked from the side of the room.

"Dude, Chief!" Pickles called out. "You didn't tell us you had such talent, man!"

"You were in my, ah, office again, weren't you, Pickles." Ofdensen's face was seriously not amused, which made this all way better.

"Dude, Charles," Nathan was grinning, "why didn't you tell us you were a rapper?"

"You ams a real good rapper, Charles!" Toki laughed. " _Chafes,_ he says!"

"We maybes thinks about putting you on the next albums, Ofdensens, what's you says?" asked Skwisgaar with a smirk.

"Yeah, there might even be a place for you in Planet Piss!"

"You boys really shouldn't be in my office when I'm not in it."

" **This is our house!** " Nathan bellowed.

Ofdensen only blinked in response. "Well. Ah. Be that as it may. I'm going to, ah, go change my passwords. Now. All of them."

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't watched the Metalocalypse special features, search "CFO raps" on youtube. It will all become clear to you after that.


End file.
